Today is Friday - let's see what Flickr has to say about that... I know I'm wishing for a little Friday relief. Busy workday today (which is actually a great thing) and a busy weekend ahead (also a great thing) - still, I'm wishing for a few moments to myself, to read and relax...
It's funny that I'm thinking about birthdays this far in advance of mine. I guess I've always had pretty good birthdays. The last few have been oddly nuanced - my 21st by a recent breakup, my 22nd by loneliness and confusion about what to do next with my life. (Quel horreur! Change and confusion!)
The clearest birthday gifts are the ones that last beyond a shadow of a doubt.. and the sharpest of gifts is absence.
Grooveshark is amazing. Everything you can think of is there...
The last few days at work have been really good. Focused, interested, engaged. Music has been helping, although sometimes I have to turn it off because I get distracted and can't compose proper sentences.
Sometimes I like to pretend I am not an anxious person.
I put on a dress (without thinking about how short it is or how chubby my knees look or if my hair is lopsided) and flats (without worrying about whether I'm going to get blisters or get cold) and leave the house (not doubting that I locked the door or turned off the oven that I rarely use or switched off all the lights).
So often, I find that posts that are supposed to be about "feeling positive" and "improving your life" involve depriving yourself of something that gives you pleasure. I'm a believer in moderation as much as anyone, but I see too many instances of crash diets and "I'm not eating carbs this week" and "I ate a cupcake so now I have to go to the gym for 2 hours." It makes me crazy!
Sometimes I start to feel down on myself - worrying about the aftereffects of a broken foot last summer in tandem with a sedentary job - and I think to myself, oh! I'll count calories! And do all these things that "should work! But the minute I start it, the very second I see a number attached to my breakfast and I am supposed to feel ashamed - something in me rebels. I don't like being told I'm wrong in the best of circumstances, and when I'm eating berries and whole-grain oatmeal, and apparently that's too many calories? I say fuck em.
I'm trying something new this summer - throwing deprivation out the window, listening to what my body wants and doesn't want (because usually my instincts are right about what's good for me), and trying to enjoy everything rather than punishing myself into some new way of life that's supposed to make me "better."
So here are some things I have enjoyed (without guilt!) in the last few months:
May the coming months be full of such similarly joyous things..
1. white wave walu - rocketfish sf
2. goi cuon roll - xyclo cafe, oakland
3. morgan's famous salmon
4. cheesecake in a jar - plum, oakland
5. blue bottle - jack london, oakland
6. prosciutto crudo sandwich - boccalone, sf
7. pork chops with dijon cream sauce, roasted root vegetables and balsamic asparagus - morgan's house
8. pollo tacos with cheese and cream - tacos mi rancho, oakland
9. raspberry sorbetto and fromage blanc gelato - lush, oakland
I've never been one to stress bake. That's more Natalie's field than mine - she used to bake bread and croissants and pies whenever she didn't know what to do with herself. But today I BAKED. I baked an angry, disappointed, confused banana bread. I mean, the banana bread itself wasn't confused or angry. But you know how in Waitress, she makes pies? "I-hate-my-husband" pie, or "pregnant-miserable-self-pitying-loser" pie. Today I made angry, disappointed, confused banana bread.
I guess I'm just feeling a little bitter today, and mixed up in unfortunate feelings, and wishing that I could just leave town and go on a month-long yoga retreat in the wilderness of Southeast Asia and come back a person who is entirely patient, detached, and wise. Too bad we can't force any of those attributes.
Also this was delicious:
(baguette with brie & frog hollow apricot preserves)